Whiskey-Tango Town

So, the title of my blog is a reference to one of my favorite stupid movies - “So I Married an Axe Murderer” – from the scene where Mike Meyers is explaining the somewhat shallow reasons why he has broken up with so many women and ultimately why he’s still single.  One break up in particular was due solely to the fact that she smelled exactly like beef vegetable soup.

This is a completely valid reason to break up with someone!   I absolutely hate the smell of most soups – but especially beef vegetable. It smells like Macy’s at Christmas time – Body Odor central!  The next time you are whipping up a can of Progresso – tell me I’m wrong. Nasty stuff. 

I’ve come to the realization that I need to stop swearing. The bambino is starting to repeat many of the choice words that come out of my mouth – making me hyper-aware of the fact that I use cuss words in 8 out of 10 sentences (or exclamations).  Apart from making me feel like an uneducated moron, I don’t want to take one more step into whiskey-tango town (to use a friends phrase).  I already live in the Central Valley and have in-laws that are involved in one or more of the following:

1. Have black eyes caused by Bud Light cans being thrown at them in a domestic dispute.
2. Obsessively watch Nascar and display a life size cardboard cutout of one of the drivers in the ENTRY WAY of their home
3. Are on trial
4. Had their power shut off because they didn’t pay their electricity bill for 6 months (but had the balls to take money from their elderly mother to buy bud light and pizza!)
5. Are over 300 pounds.

There is something to the whole “opposites attract” theory.  Clearly, my main dude and I come from different worlds. I’m pretty sure my husband is thankful that I saved him from a fate worse than being forced to watch WWF Friday Night Smackdown. But I’m just as glad that he saved me from a flavorless Stepford Wives existence as well. 

The hubs grew up in a blue collar, latch key environment. And amazingly, he now embodies the very best traits that type of childhood can instill in someone -  he’s a hard working, tough as nails, drink through it, quit your bitching, do your job, loyal to a fault, reliable, heart of gold kind of guy.

I grew up in a priveledged upper middle class home, with a saint-like stay at home mom who made my lunches until I graduated from high school and a dad who is a business genius.  I had so many advantages that I took for granted at the time. Truly – youth, beauty and money is wasted on the young.  I’m self possessed and fairly moody and have an innate sense of laziness.  But Tom seems to think I’m worth it.  It’s definitely not due to my sweet talking or my cooking skills that made him want to marry me – although I do occassionally make a lunch for him to take to work.

Love, Hate & Dorkiness

Bless me Blogfather – It’s been sixth months since my last post.  Let’s just say the inspiration for my lame-ass blogging has not been present. However, I really feel the need to re-connect with my long lost college angst and start airing my private humiliation in a public form! Sweet!

Love it:

1. The western coast of California. Good lord I still miss it and feel supremely trapped in the god awful Sacramento valley.
2. Laughing with real friends. There is nothing like letting the loud laugh loose with people who are on exactly the same humour-wavelength as you.
3. Josh Lyman from The West Wing.
4. Aloha TriPeaks solitaire.
5. The feel of the bottom of my little son’s feet.
6. Clean, soft sheets.
7. Open windows in winter.
8. Ground coffee, brewed.
9. The occasional snarky comment.
10. That Tom thinks I should be a professional children’s song singer.

 

Hate

1. The sound of the word “puss”.
2. Crazy mom groups that have lame names – like MOPS or Stroller Strides.
3. Nail clippers in use.
4. Flowers and jewelry as occasion presents.
5. Meetings that last more than 30 minutes.
6. Elmo

 

Dorkiness

1. I sang and bopped my head to “California Love” by Tupac this morning in the car. If you know me – then picturing this is probably making you laugh.
2. I called this dude in college who I was sort of dating (read: hung out and got hammered with at a frat house on the weekends) someone who “touched my soul” in my journal. *RETCH* *GAG*
3. There are three things that I don’t really enjoy doing: 1. taking out the garbage; 2. Petting animals; 3. Going in to Victoria’s Secret.

Word.

A Little July 4th Celebration & A Little Plagerism

Hot damn! It’s a 4 day weekend! Thank you America’s forefathers for providing me with a day off of work to do laundry, clean the kitchen, and disenfect the hall bathroom! 

I love a good 4th of July and  I love fireworks. Sparkly, thundering, screaching rockets of excitement. That’s what I call them. Yep, i actually say all of those adjectives and adverbs when referring to my beloved fireworks. I also, can’t help but ooooh and ahhh. One might say fireworks are cheesy. I say to heck with you naysaying party pooping un-american whiners.  

Yesterday I recieved a new laptop from work. And when I say “recieved” I mean I spent 6 hours of mind numbing time trying to get data transferred and reloaded onto my new machine. What made it fun was a little lunch reunion with some old coworkers who left our group.  Julie and Mindy (and Anna and Tatjana, but I still thankfully work with the last two)!  Those girls are fun and smart and just make me laugh. So sad that we don’t all work together anymore.

It’s list time.

Things I am mortally afraid of:

1. Spiders
2. Heights
3. Any and all silverfish, June bugs, mosqiutoeaters, grasshoppers, those bugs that look like twigs, really anything with multiple legs that is smaller than me.
4. The dark when I’m alone.
5. Doberman pinchers
6. Work related group functions.
7. Meat on a bone.

One may wonder why I don’t have things like “the economy”, ”terrorism”, “global warming”, and ”the upcoming election” on here. Well, honestly, there’s not much I can do about those things except try to save money, recycle, and vote, so what’s the use in freaking out about them?  Now spiders – there’s a real problem – i can’t even be in the house when there’s a bug in here. Which poses a problem, since I have a child. I can’t just grab the kid and high tail it out of here quickly. There’s diaper changes, packing of the diaper bag, getting of the sippycup and cheerios, etc… there is no quick get away with a child.

Another list – this one is plagerized from another blog. But I thought it was so fighteningly familiar that I thought I’d repost, as many of us will be partaking in some festive libations this weekend:

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I’m married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn’t!  No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I’m not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination.  I’d hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom?  I refuse to pee in this parking lot
or on the side of the road.

Happy 4th of July!  (And happy early birthday to Lisa )

Hot Dogs & A Wish List

Today’s workout will consist of a little elliptical and lots of bloggerizing!

1. The Warm Up – A story about things that should not be thrown.

2. Gettin’ That Heart Rate Up – Weight loss update

3. Cool Down – To Do List

 

1. The Warm Up

Here’s a little story about the worst trip I ever took:

When I was a senior in college, I had the most boring boyfriend in the whole world. He had two stories that he told over and over again, one was about DVD’s (which were just getting into the mainstream back then), the other was about computers or something. Who knows – I wasn’t really listening. Mr. Boring also wanted to get married. And he wanted to marry me. I on the other hand, knew I was dating Mr. BORING!

Mr. Boring & I had these two friends who were married. Jackie and Justin. And as yawn inducing and stable as Mr. Boring was, Jackie and Justin were the exact opposite. They were loud, funny, and explosive. Which is why we hung out together a lot – they were my antidote to falling asleep during our entire relationship.

Jackie and I graduated at the same time – so to celebrate we decided to all go on a 2 week camping trip to all the national parks in the southwest. Oh how young and naive I was to think that this was a good idea.

On the eve of our departure. Jackie pulled me aside and told me that Mr. Boring was going to propose to me on the edge of the Grand Canyon, the ring was purchased. Okay, so Mr. Boring had a little romantic side – but he was stil MR. BORING. My heart stopped. I got sweaty. I basically freaked out. No, no, no, no! No way! So, young and naive – i pulled Mr. Boring aside and told him in that I was not ready to get married – but heck, he could still take me on the trip! (Red Flag #1)

From the moment we started packing up the car, Jackie & Justin were at each other’s throats (Red Flag #2). The close quarters of Mr. Boring’s Mitsubishi Montero, was no salve to the festering wound that was their relationship. Mr. Boring had turned into Mr. Sulky. And all I wanted to do was to have a freaking cocktail – I had graduated! Come on people!

After about a week in the great outdoors, the constant bitching and bickering between the two of them boiled over. Andy and I were politely ignoring each other while he started the campfire and I unwrapped a package of hot dogs and buns. Jackie and Justin were getting condiments out of the cooler when the lid accidently shut on Jackie’s hand………. and Justin laughed…. uh oh.  Jackie’s face went from slightly sunburnt to enraged purple in about 1.5 seconds. Obsenities were flying, demands for divorce were yelled, sleeping bags were thrown out of tents……  

And then it happened. The hot dogs. The platter of uncooked hot dogs on the picnic table was taken. One by one, those slippery cases of pig guts were grabbed and thrown at Justin’s head. She flung all 12 of those bad boys at him, and missed 11 times. The 12th hit him in the leg. Then she stomped off, turned on the car, and left.

We were stranded with no dinner! Just some mustard and some empty hot dog buns.  We ate the toasted buns and drank some Bartlesand James wine coolers amongst the dirty slimy hot dog casualties in silence with the sad, sobering knowledge that we were only halfway through the trip and nowhere near an airport.

 

2. Gettin’ That Heart Rate Up – Weight loss update

This’ll be quick – 40 pounds down! Up to 30 minutes continuous running!

 

3. Cool Down – To Do List

To Do This Year

1. Continue to lose weight and get healthy
2. Run and finish a 5k race

To Do in the Next 10 years

1. Learn how to play the guitar
2. Learn how to tell my left from my right without making an “L” with my fingers.
3. Run and finish a half marathon
4. Take a cross country trip in a motor home
5. Take a year off work to be with Jack full time before he grows up.
6. Take my mother on a trip, just the two of us, and LISTEN to her stories.

To Do in the Next 50 years

1. Renew my vows with my husband in Australia or some other warm and sandy place.
2. Live in another country for a year.
3. Learn how to dance.
4. Put Jack through college.
5. Retire before I’m 60.
6. Go back to the U.K. with my husband and trace my roots – visit my fathers hometown. Visit Normandy and thank my grandfather for his service.
7. Get a really short no fuss hair cut.
8. Learn how to make potato salad.

 

Back By Popular Demand… It’s the Uber-Blog!

Topics covered in today’s musing:

1. Fitness and Weight Loss Update
2. Five more random facts
3. And….. a surprise topic! (Aren’t you excited??)

Fitness & Weight Loss Update

Let’s get the boring topic out of the way, shall we?… Down 32 pounds (woo) and back to running after a little incident involving the knee area (hoo). I’m finding that I’m starting to look forward to exercise these days – which is a shocker… as I do enjoy my couch/laptop/tv time. 

Current issue: Running reeeeeeeeeeeally slow – feel like a snail. Pretty sure what I’m doing is called jogging and not running, but I refuse to put on a sweat band and striped short shorts, so screw you Richard Simmons! I’m a runner!

Five More Random Facts

1. When I was 24 I accepted a job in Seattle (I lived in CA) and didn’t tell my boyfriend at the time until a few days before I was scheduled to leave. Actually, I didn’t even tell him. We were at a party and my friend Peter said something like “we’ll miss you when you leave!”… I had to come clean at the party that I was leaving and one of the reasons was because I wanted to break up with him – good thing there was alcohol!
2. The movie ET still scares me… that thing is shiny and wrinkly and it speaks in a scary “i’m gonna eeeeeaaat you — loooook how bigggg myyyy beeeeeeeeeeellly is!!” voice. *Shudder*
3. I love the band Chicago.
4. I dated a guy who was in the Coast Guard and we broke up when he was in Antarctica……….. that’s cold. Get it?
5. I strolled down Castro Street at 2am with a 2 foot tall pink bouffant wig. From what I’m told… there were martini’s involved earlier in the evening.

Numero 3 – The Surpise!

Two stories about how much of a dork I am:

1. When I was about 7 years old I decided that the best way to make some serious money was to sell my artwork. Since it was approximately 1983 at the time – my artwork consisted of a variety of Spirograph masterpieces.  Big ones, little ones… these priceless multi-colored extravaganzas smelled to me of the sweet spiralling scent of financial success!  So I carefully chose the peices I was going to display in my show from my rather varied collection, ever so carefully cut them out, and placed them neatly on a folding card table on the corner of our street. With a sign that said “Art – $0.25. I made no sales.

2. I danced to “It’s Getting Hot in Here” by Nelly. In public.

 

The Epic Battle of Liz vs. Her Rear End

The Great 2008 Battle of Liz vs. Her Rear End (or How Liz Changed The Way She Lived)

Purpose: Create and execute a healthy lifestyle in an effort to become the example I want to be for my son as he grows up.

Description: I’ve let weight creep up on me through the engagement bliss, newlywed phase, pregnancy, and post baby haze. Ben & Jerry’s was my BFF. My rock. My steady beau. I’m tall, it takes a few more pounds to make the pants not fit – but seriously, since when did I creep into the “obese” category??? SHIT! I’ve let food, ergo weight, be a reason to let friendships wane and other relationships take a backseat to the shopping cart.

Status: Since the end of March 2008, I’ve lost 25 pounds.  Yes, I’m proud of that. And yes, I’ve done it in a healthy, satisfying and challenging way. The remainder of my battle will consist of the following: 

1. Can I continue to do this without going over to the dark side? (meaning anorexia or bulemia – which I have battled in the past).
2. Can I continue to do this without alienating myself from my family & friends? (i.e., not joining in celebrations, become to rigid with meals at home, etc.) – this really should be a sub-bullet to #1, but I feel it’s important enough to warrant it’s own bullet.
3. Can I sustain my momentum, go for broke, be disciplined, and reach my goal of 100 pounds total weight lost by March 31st, 2008 or earlier?
4. Can I retrain my mind to reach for an apple instead of a cupcake or the chips & dip or both?
5. Can I enjoy excercise for the simple pleasure of moving my body as compared to purely thinking of it as an ends to a means? I find this the key to people’s love affair with fitness.

Go me.

Bottles & Apologies

So, it was Mother’s Day today. Technically this is the second “day” I’ve experienced honoring me and my wonderfulness. My son was born only a few days before Mother’s Day last year and I was still reeling from the whole baby/life/birth/recovery shenanigans to even remotely remember my first mother’s day.

So I will consider this my first official Mother’s Day. Well, yay for me for keeping my son alive and my sanity relatively intact for a whole year. I must say the first six moths were the hardest of my life (colic, C section recovery and complications, colic, night & day confusion, colic…). Months 6-12 however were quite the relief. For the first time, I experienced joy with and for my child. We explored things together, we got some sleep, we laughed, we went out into the world, I put on shoes that weren’t flip flops, we walked, talked, ran, and played.

I started to morph into a “mom”. One of those foreign creatures to whom I wafted my superior single and childless scent to as if to say “Look at me! Don’t look at that small thing attached to your hand, hip, arm, leg, grocery cart! Look at me and my freedom, I flaunt this in your general direction!”.  I now feel a little bit of remorse for the dirty looks I gave mothers with children on airplanes (how dare they interrupt my laptop/cell phone/report/magazine time to get from place to place in an efficient manner! Use a train like the other cretins! I command you!).

Now I exude the superior scent of a woman who bore a gorgeous and brilliant child. Look at me! I am wonder mom. Look at my child develop at a rate 12x that of yours! ha HA! Look at him – he is terribly advanced! Pine for my mothering skills! Pine, I say!

I do try to tame the beast though as I know I have really had nothing to do with his darlingness and his terrible advancedness.  Sigh.

Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers. Be good to yourselves tonight.